Archived posting to the Leica Users Group, 1999/06/29
[Author Prev] [Author Next] [Thread Prev] [Thread Next] [Author Index] [Topic Index] [Home] [Search]The recent postings about lubricating lens mounts with vaseline made me wonder if there wasn't something that was a lot more expensive that could do the job almost as well. A quick web search revealed the following product. I make the usual disclaimer about having no personal interest in this company, or in the young lady in sales dept. Absolutely no interest whatsoever. Honest. extract begins: >>>>>>>>>> Introducing L3: Leica Lens Lubricant L3 The Intelligent Lubricant. You Know no Better When you smear petroleum jelly on your precious lens mounts do you ever stop and think? Well, do you? Have you chosen that lubricant as carefully as you chose that lens, or that fountain pen you are using to scrape off the excess gobs of grease? Do you realise that the petroleum product you are so lovingly smoothing over your lens mount is actually made from crustaceans that died millions of years ago, before Quality Assurance was invented? Do you realise that there has been no control over how much dinosaur poo got into it? (Ref 1) Now - do you really want to smear dinosaur poo on your lens? No, I think not. Maybe you'd better go and wash your hands before reading on. Here at Better World Chemicals Ltd. we have the answer that you have been waiting for: L3 The Intelligent Lubricant. That's Leica Lens Lubricant. We realised that conventional petroleum products are inadequate for the connoissuer, apart from the already well known problem of contamination by dinosaur poo. First: the stuff was made millions of years ago. There have been great strides in lens technology since then (Ref 2). Old fashioned greases are just not good enough for modern lens designs, especially those with ashpherical elements. Second: the stuff is made from a variety of marine animals that lived in a variety of environments, not all of which were suitable for producing the kind of high-class optical lubricant that is demanded by discerning people like yourself. What you need is something that has been distilled from a single species. The right species. Animals that have been selected carefully then reared in the most pure environment possible. Third: many crustaceans had to die to make one small jar of petroleum jelly. We do not believe that it is right that living creatures should have to die just so that we can lubricate our lenses. Plainly, it isn't justifiable in a civilised society. Fourth: crustaceans were not very intelligent then. Life has evolved, and more suitable, more intelligent crustaceans are now available - and this is the secret behind L3 The Intelligent Lubricant. The Sun Shines its Light on Us and We Give Thanks After years of research we have discovered the best, most highly evolved crustacean: the glow barnacle or Barnackus Noctiluxus as we scientists call it (Ref 3). We hand pick only the healthiest glow barnacles growing wild in the crystal-clear waters of Father Thames as it merrily babbles its way from the learned spires of Oxford through swinging London to the icy purity of the North Sea. As we collect the tiny creatures, we are also collecting a wealth of wisdom and experience from Blake, Dickens, Guy Fawkes, Henry the Eighth, Rupert Murdoch, Milwall Boot Boys, the Inland Revenue and many more. What better beginning for The Intelligent Lubricant? Complete Barnacles The barnacles are then carefully placed on pristine sheets of 100% acid free unbleached rag paper. This process absorbs only the finest excess oil from their nasal regions and does not cause the playful little darlings any distress. After a meal and a short rest in our spacious aquarium they are returned to their natural habitat, unharmed both mentally and physically. Pressed into Service The paper is then gently cold-pressed to release the oil into the purifier. The purifier uses a special, patented process known as Triple Compression Absorption Mollifaction, or 3-CAM for short. Next it is carefully filtered - - first through Finest Black Cinematographic Net. This may, upon casual inspection, remind one of the nylon stockings of glamorous yesteryear, but it does in fact guarantee that L3 will not only be The Intelligent Lubricant, but also The Creative Lubricant. This happens because the net realigns and revitalises the naturally occurring gardenomes that are responsible for the high degree of Fuzzy Logic in this rather special oil. Obviously this leads to a great improvement. Ultra Violence The second, possibly controversial, step in the filtration process sees the oil seeping slowly through a micro-fine, multi-coated ultra-violet filter. This not only removes trace impurities bigger than 400 nanometres, but also strengthens the oil against future contamination: only the fittest, most resilient gardenomes are able to get through this stage. Degradation and Graduation The final step is Quality Control. Here the oil is graded by being subjected to a series of gruelling three-hour examinations, including maths and at least one foreign language. Only after passing this final test can the oil be given the prestigious title of L3 The Intelligent Lubricant. Available and Reassuringly Expensive L3 The Intelligent Lubricant is now available in three, yes three, colours: 1) Original Black 2) Red Spot Special (includes red and infra-red microfibres teased gently from the used undergarments of famous photographers) 3) Limited Edition Snake Skin (includes 0.05% genuine snake oil) All colours come in a signed and numbered cardboard box. The oil carries a one-year international guarantee. The box carries a non-transferable lifetime return-to-base guarantee. Used and Abused What are the benefits of using L3 The Intelligent Lubricant on your lenses, I hear you ask? Noise reduction - lens noise is reduced to such a low level that hearing protection is not usually necessary. However, some residual rattling and grinding noises can be expected from lenses made in Canadia. Come on now, what else would you expect? Less flare - typical reduction from 1972 Mbb to 1957 mDp (Mbb = Mega bell bottoms; mDp = milli Drain pipes) Half a stop faster (Except on express routes, and during the evening rush hour. Please do not talk to the driver while he is listening to the soccer results) Lock Up Your Mirrors Now you ask me if there are any other photographic benefits and I can tell you Yes There Are. Plenty. Here's just one of them. Mirror noise and vibration are reduced or, in the case of Leica M cameras, eliminated altogether. L3 can be used to eliminate mirror noise and vibration with many other cameras (the Nikon F100 being one example) but it must be used in conjunction with either gaffer tape or, for a more permanent solution, our specially-formulated 2-part epoxy MLU-GOO. Shipping Forecast Are there any other guaranteed uses? Yes friends, I said Guaranteed Uses and that is what I meant. Wild Elephant Repellent. Smear you lawn or yard with L3 and we guarantee that it will not be trampled by wild elephants. (guarantee not applicable in Africa, India or SE Asia) Penguin Restorer (unconditional guarantee) Litter, Chewing Gum and Crime Remover (guarantee applicable in Singapore only) Cockroach Killer. We guarantee that any cockroach with even the thinnest smear of L3 anywhere on it will die. Because of the variable, organic nature of cockroaches we cannot, of course, guarantee exactly when. Moustache Wax. If you stop using unhygienic ear-wax on your moustache and use L3 instead we guarantee that people will pay attention to you (guarantee only applies to British Army Regimental Sergeants Major. L3 may also be applied to goats and other miscellaneous Regimental mascots, and is jolly good for polishing boots and brass alike.) Pen Nib Silencer. Stops that trashy, worn out, old Montblanc from squeaking and thus saves you the cost of a Bic. (guarantee not applicable) Mugging Preventer. Smear it on you genuine Rolex, Tiffany or Cartier and any would-be mugger and/or tax inspector will think that you have a fifty dollar fake. Guaranteed, or my name's not Aubretia Featherstonehaugh. Here's what some people have said: 'One always uses L3 on one's un-numbered Leica and for many other little jobs around the palace. It took a few months to get used to the awful fishy smell though but.' - Elizabeth etc. Windsor (housewife, queen and mother of four) 'I shoot with an M16 not an M6, but I do rely on L3 to keep the puppy growling smoothly. I especially like its sweet perfume. Please pay the agreed sum in used, small denomination, notes.' - Dame Hilda 'Mags' Thrasher (retired milk snatcher, currently engaged as a Consultant Lincolnshire Poacher) 'You know how to whistle, don't you Steve?' - L Bacall. References cited. 1) Willard Q Loosefinger III: 1001 Ways of Trashing your Rival's Product. The Royal Society's 15th Annual Mountebank Lecture, also published in Proc. Soc. Am. Snake. Oil. Salespers. Volume 2, page 3, column 4. 2) E Leitz, private communication. 3) Arnold Thrutchpocket: The Fascinating and Varied Wildlife of the London River. Part 19 (of 68): from Bermondsey to Rotherhithe. Reader's Digest (Uncompressed Version) Volume 2178, issue 7, pages 1376 to 1854. Quality Assurance Better World Chemicals Ltd is Quality Assured to ISO 9000. Our certificate can be seen on our website. Disclaimer The manufacturers of L3 The Intelligent Lubricant cannot be held responsible for any damage arising from the simultaneous use of their product with any other manufacturer's product. In particular the mixing of L3 with Sharpo is prohibited in the UK under the Unfair Competition (Substance Abuse) Act 1998 and also in many other countries. The penalties include immediate, permanent disqualification from all Camera Club Slide Competitions. >>>>>>>>>> end of extract Note: the website includes a barely legible scan of BWCL's ISO 9000 certificate. It only applies to their accounts department, and only to the activities of debt reclamation and tax avoidance. Regards, Malcolm Singapore