[Leica] Satire: Officer Krupke meets Leica

[robertmeier at usjet.net (Robert Meier)]

They should have done this in Barcelona!   And recorded it, of course.


On Jul 18, 2012, at 8:28 PM, Peter Klein wrote:

> "Officer Krupke meets Leica"
> by Peter A. Klein
> 
> Copyright 2012 Peter A. Klein
> (With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, Leonard Bernstein and Arthur Laurents)
> May be copied or distributed provided that credit is given to the
> parodist, and that the apology to the original authors of WEST SIDE STORY
> is included in full.
> 
> The following scene is sung to the tune of "Officer Krupke" from WEST SIDE
> STORY. It takes place on a run-down street in Lower Manhattan. A Leica Guy
> is photographing. Officer Krupke--perhaps the grandson of the original
> character--spots him, and his suspicion is aroused. As the scene
> progresses, they are joined by a chorus of other photographers, plus
> several others well known to the photographic community.
> -----
> 
> KRUPKE:  Hey, you! Whadya doin' with that expensive camera?
> LEICA GUY: I'm doing street photography. I'm a Leica Guy.
> KRUPKE: A Leica guy? Gimme one good reason for not draggin' you down to
> the station house, you snob!
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
> Please kindly let me be,
> I'm really quite fed up-ke
> With people dissing me.
> I love to shoot my Leica.
> The quality's sublime
> Bleeping Barnack, why is that a crime?
> 
> CHORUS:
> Gee, Officer Krupke, please give us a break,
> There's nothin' quite as sharp as what a Leica can take.
> We aren't elitists, we're misunderstood.
> And all our photos, they are good.
> LEICA GUY: They are good!
> 
> CHORUS:
> They are good, they are good,
> They are all so good.
> Like, our pictures, they are all so good.
> 
> KRUPKE: That's a touchin' good story!
> LEICA GUY:  Lemme tell it to the world!
> KRUPKE: Just tell it to the other photographers.
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> Dear D-S-L-R shooter,
> I like an f-stop ring.
> Your camera's a computer.
> And mine's a lovely thing
> Your AA filter's blurry
> Your focus imprecise.
> Freaky fringies, Leicas are so nice!
> 
> NIKONIAN:
> Gee, Officer Krupke, he's shootin' the breeze.
> My Nikon cost twelve hundred and his Leica ten G's.
> With hundreds of features, the Nikon will rule.
> I'm up-to-date and he's uncool.
> 
> LEICA GUY: I'm uncool!
> 
> CHORUS:  We're uncool, we're uncool,
> We are just not cool.
> We're behind the times and we're uncool.
> 
> KRUPKE: Geez, who am I supposed to believe? I know--I'll ask the online
> reviewers!
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> Dear kindly D-X-O-Mark.
> You think you know it all.
> My M-9 got so-so marks.
> Which drove me up the wall.
> You only test the sensor,
> Why don't you test the glass?
> Peepin' pixels, I deserve a pass!
> 
> DXOMARK:
> Hey, Officer Krupke, this guy is a laugh.
> A camera's definition is its M-T-F graph.
> Objective analysis gives us our cue.
> It's scientifically true.
> 
> CHORUS:
> It is true!
> 
> It is true, it is true!
> It is true, true, true.
> On the Internet it's always true.
> 
> LEICA GUY:  You don't know the half of it!
> DPREVIEW: Hello, I'm from Seattle, but I'm British. Do go on.
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> My mother uses Nikon,
> My pa, Olympus E.
> My grandpa likes Zeiss Ikon.
> My grandma, Canon D.
> My sister shoots a Lomo.
> My brother shoots a phone.
> Nocti-luxy, I feel so alone!
> 
> DPREVIEW (with British accent):
> I say, Sergeant Krupke, you simply don't see.
> The Leica is an artifact with proud history.
> The files are quite lovely.
> The form is antique.
> That combination is unique.
> 
> LEICA GUY:  I'm unique!
> 
> CHORUS: We're unique, We're unique,
> We are so unique.
> Like we're esoteric'ly unique!
> 
> DPREVIEW: Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of the most-viewed digital
> camera review site on the Internet, this photographer doesn't need a
> different camera at all. Leica obsession is a retro refinement.
> 
> LEICA GUY:  Hey, I've declined on account of I'm refined!
> 
> DPREVIEW: So take him to an Art Critic!
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> I don't like autofocus
> Or menus miles long.
> Or software hocus-pocus,
> It feels completely wrong.
> It's not I'm anti-progress
> I'm only anti-tech.
> Holy Osky, that's why I'm a wreck!
> 
> CRITIC: Eek!
> Officer Krupke, the problem is plain:
> He's stuck in 1950 and his shots are mundane.
> It isn't a question of "Je ne sais quoi,"
> Deep down inside him he's bourgeois!
> 
> LEICA GUY: I'm bourgeois!
> 
> CHORUS:
> We're bourgeois, we're bourgeois,
> We are all bourgeois.
> Like, our work don't matter, we're bourgeois.
> 
> VARIOUS PHOTOGRAPHERS:
> His shutter makes a clatter.
> He oughta use a flash.
> The camera does not matter.
> Besides, his shots are trash.
> His gear is too expensive.
> His buffer is too small.
> 
> LEICA GUY:
> Krupke, they don't understand at all!
> 
> Gee Officer Krupke, I'm down on my knees,
> 'Cause no one likes a fella with the Leica disease.
> ALL:
> Gee Officer Krupke, please pose for a pic.
> Gee Officer Krupke: Click! Click!
> 
> -----------------
> 
> 
> 
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